Inactivity in the Family

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The chapter I'm focusing on from the textbook for this post is Chapter 16, They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families by Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen. This topic hits home for me as I'm sure it does for most members of the church. This chapter was absolutely amazing and so comforting to me. As such, I'm going to let a few amazing quotes from the reading do the talking. 

"Few family challenges are of more significance and have long-term implications than when family members fall away from correct principles and eventually become involved in serious transgressions."

"The shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours - long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fullness of knowledge brings the fullness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend."

-Elder Orson F. Whitney

"Our Heavenly Father knows, far better than any mortal, the pain and sorrow associated with having children who exercise their moral agency to their condemnation rather than exaltation. Can there be any better parent than God? Children's decision may bring us sorrow, no matter how faithfully we have taught our children. This consolation does not excuse families from their obligation to teach and model correct principles and try to lead their children to Christ, but it does bring a clearer perspective of the divine work of parents and families."

I would like to add here, that this goes for any family member that may stray, whether it be a sibling, child, parent, or grandparent. Our Father in Heaven understands better than anyone the pain associated with watching them struggle to find happiness, and He knows better than anyone how to be an example to follow. 

The video below focuses on the power of the atonement lifting burdens in our lives. I feel that this applies to all of us, whether it be burdens from personal transgression, or burdens from seeing those you love most transgress. Whatever the case may be, Christ's atonement is there to help lift those burdens from your life. He can help. He will help. He wants to help. 

Mothers

It's impossible for me to discuss motherhood without being overcome with a feeling of peace. Something even just in the word "mother" is so sacred and special.

I've had some incredible examples of women fulfilling their divine destiny and role as a mother. I've come to learn through observation that being a mom is one of the hardest jobs a woman could do in her life, but at the same time, there is nothing more rewarding. 

So, what is it about mothers that's so special and sacred? Let's hear from some of the wisest men I know:

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."

-The First Presidency, 1942

"Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with signs of pregnancy and childbirth, the Savior said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Nephi 21:15-16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice - the sacrifice of begetting life - for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth."

-Elder Bruce C. Hafen and Sister Marie K. Hafen

Those words from Elder Holland could not be more perfect in describing Motherhood. I am so grateful for that divine message which surely rings true and brings strength to mothers all around the world.

Now one last quote from Successful Marriage and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives:

"The countless acts of selfless service mothers perform are recognized as expressions of the highest love and noblest of womanly feelings. Wendell Berry asserted that such tasks as feeding, tending, bathing, clothing, wiping, and cleaning become holy works; 'only in such ways can love become flesh.' Through such sacrificing love, a mother creates a foundation from which self-confidence and integrity are woven into the fabric of her children's character."

-Jenet J. Erickson

Risking sounding like I'm a 21-year old baby-hungry crazy-lady, I will honestly say that I cannot wait for the day that I become a mother and I get to spend the rest of my life being a mom and raising my children. I know that there is no greater calling for me in my life than to partner with God in "creation, love, sacrifice and service."

Fathers

There are many different principles and concepts I could talk about when it comes to fathers, but what struck me most from our chapter, "Honor Thy Father," was about being present in your parenting. Sean E. Brotherson says:

"Parenting requires presence. While a parent does not need to be constantly present to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. The longing of any individual for home, especially the longing of a child, is partly the longing for the presence of family members who furnish security and love. The longing for home, a universal aspect of human history and psychology, is a longing for presence, for parental connection, for companionship in family living. A fundamental principle of fathering that meets this need is to be present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love."

I absolutely love that quote! It sums up one of the most important things fathers can do for their children. I cannot stress enough the importance of being "present in a child's life and consciousness." Think about it! To be present in your child's consciousness! That presence requires a bond created from the very beginning, a bond that is nourished, strengthened, and sustained throughout the entirety of the father-child relationship. It is not enough for a father to be a provider and a presider if his heart isn't in it. His heart, mind, and life need to be present in the home with his wife and children.

Now, I know that not everyone has grown up with this type of father-child relationship. Some have grown up without a father at all. What I hope you determine to do is become this type of father yourself, or encourage your husband to become this kind of father.

I believe there is no greater calling a man receives in life than that of father.

As a final thought, I'll leave you with a video. I could not agree more with Sister Elaine Dalton's message in this video and the original conference talk it was given in.

On Motherhood, Fatherhood, and Parenting

Chapter 10: Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship

I'm definitely not an expert on parenting, so I thought I'd let some very wise men do some of the talking for this post.

I apologize for the video overload, but I honestly can not think of any better way to share this message of the roles of mothers, fathers, and their role together as parents. 

The proclamation states, "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness... By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

It isn't by chance that it all worked out to have a mother and a father in a family. It was by divine design.

There are no greater callings in life than that of mother, father, and parent.

The Dating Game... Deteriorated

Chapter 1: Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

This week's topic was marriage preparation. There are a lot of interesting things we went over this week, but what stood out to me the most was how dating has essentially deteriorated over the past few decades. Dating is a thing of the past - something we hear our parents talk about. Sure, maybe it seems old-fashioned or out of date, but traditional dating had many benefits.

Jason S. Carroll says, "One of the best ways to understand how this new period of emerging adulthood is influencing preparation for later marriage and family life is to look at the defining characteristics of the current dating and courtship culture. Numerous scholars have noted that the culture of dating that young adults experience today is markedly different from the one experienced by their parents and grandparents. In particular, these family professionals have noted an erosion of traditional courtship patterns and a dating culture that lacks socially defined norms, rituals, and relationship milestones to guide young people toward marriage." (p.4)

There are four reasons for this change in and lack of dating:

1. Pessimism about marriage: Our society has become divorce-ridden. As such, many young adults have seen their parents, aunts/uncles, or someone close to them go through divorce. Instead of preparing for marriage, it seems as though young adults are preparing for divorce. Putting marriage off is a consequence of this. Why get married if you're only going to get divorced?

2. Getting ahead before getting wed: Another prevailing societal trend with dating is that you need to be financially stable before getting married. These financial criteria include being independent of your parents, finished with your education, and have a stable long-term career. Carroll says, "While research confirms that marrying after your teenage years and getting more education are associated with greater marital stability, there is also strong evidence that an attitude of personal independence may weaken some marriages by undermining the need for mutual partnership among couples." (p.5)

3. Hanging out and Hooking up: Instead of the traditional "going out on dates," the culture seems to be "hanging out" which is much more informal. The more hanging out occurs, the more blurred the lines are on where two people may be at in their relationship. A result of this is hooking up, where there is a lack of commitment and no expectations for a future relationship.

4. Acceptance of cohabitation: Carroll says, "Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit before marriage" (p.5). There are disadvantages to cohabiting before marriage, where there has not been any identified disadvantages for following the former way of dating and mating, which does not include cohabitation before marriage. 

In short, the deterioration of dating has an affect on the deterioration on marriage. So maybe our parents really are smarter than we are. Maybe they, and generations before them, knew what they were doing when dating was fun and casual, but also clear in its intentions. Isn't this enough evidence to bring dating back? Or is it too late to reverse the damage?

Equal Partership in Marriage

Chapter 4: Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

 It's no secret that this class is religious in nature. While it is based on the LDS church's The Family: A Proclamation to the World and the textbook, Successful Marriage and Families comes out of BYU, the research contained is mainly secular in nature. That said, I strongly believe that what is contained within this textbook applies to every marriage and family, no matter the religious affiliation. 

This week we read a chapter regarding equal partnership within marriage. The Family: A Proclamation to the World, states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." The key word we're going to focus on is equal. 

The past handful of decades have demonstrated how many women felt suppressed, unequal, and inferior to men - even their very own husbands. Hudson and Miller state, "Outgrowths of the women's movement were the abilities of women to attain greater education and to work in a wider range of professions and occupations. As women became better educated, they were less willing to accept subordinated positions in their marital relationships." (p.42)

Today I'd like to argue the case for equality between men and women in a every marriage, no matter the roles that are played by the husband and wife.

What does equality mean? Hudson and Miller explain, "Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be 'like himself'." (p.38) The text goes on to say:

In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: 'The lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.'

So equality does not mean that we have to have the same degrees, the same income, or have attained the same level of knowledge. Equality simply means that marriage is approached in the manner that each spouse feels as though they are equal with one another. The text reads, "In considering the equal partnership envisioned by the proclamation on the family, Elder L. Tom Perry puts it eloquently: 'There is not a president or a vice president in a family.' We have copresidents working 'together eternally for the good of their family.' In other words, 'they are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.'" (p.41)

Within a marriage there are certainly differences in the roles of each spouse. The important thing to understand is that there is "difference without hierarchy" (p.41). Along with this there is "distinctiveness without inequality" (p.41).

Alright, now lets get to the cold hard facts. What are the benefits of equal partnership in marriage?

Research has shown that couples with equal relationships are typically happier, are more effective in their parenting, have better functioning children, are also more positive in their individual well-being, and are more satisfied with their marital quality (p.43). Why is this? Spouses who have more equality within their marriage tend to have more positive interactions within their relationships which has an effect on their marital happiness and happiness within the family. Hudson and Miller add, "In addition, couples that are equal partners are significantly less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence. Moreover, there is evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship." (p.43)

The research on equality is astounding, going so far as showing that spouses who have more equality within their marriage tend to be better parents. The reasoning behind this being that the spouses work as a team to parent. Speaking about relationships with less equality, Hudson and Miller state, "They are less likely to support each other and form a united front when disciplining their children. They are more likely to triangulate their children, which entails bringing one or more children into the parent's struggles and having the children take sides." (p.43)

In summary, equality in marriage comes down to each spouse regarding the other with respect, dignity, and love, and coming together as a team in their marriage and parenting. The research shows that equality within marriage has profound effects on both spouses, their relationship, and the children in the family. 

"As we have seen, the family proclamation's exhortation to equal partnership in marriage does not mean that husband and wife are identical, but it does mean that in a very real and meaningful sense they must stand as equals before each other to find the joy that is their heritage in marriage." (p.44)

Back Again!

Well hello!

I'm back to this blog for a semester-long project for my FAML100, The Family: A Proclamation to the World class. The project is called the Family Proclamation Project, and I've decided to blog every week about principles and insights learned from our readings. I'm so excited to be back to this blog! Last fall I took a Parenting class and I really wish I would have blogged for that class as well. 

I'm hoping this blog will be beneficial to anyone who may read it. This may sound selfish, but I really feel that I'll gain a lot out of blogging this semester! So here we go!

The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold Hard Facts to Consider

This week we had a chapter to read in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper. First of all, I am absolutely loving this textbook and the research it presents in combination with The Proclamation. This particular chapter was by Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins.

This chapter begins by explaining that the research regarding the benefits of marriage continues to present itself and creep up to "Everest-like proportions." Regarding this, the text says, "At some point, the accumulating evidence made data-driven academics stop and scratch their heads and follow the facts to a more sanguine picture of marriage. They had to conclude it was good. A stable marriage corresponded with happiness, health, prosperity and the well-being of offspring and communities" (p.70). The current prevailing state of mind within our nation is that marriage is just a piece of paper, a commitment that makes no difference in the lives of the couple. I can see how you would think that living together wouldn't be much different than a legal document binding two people together in marital bliss. But let's look at an example...

In chapter two of The Case for Marriage by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher (read for my FAML300 class), we read about Matt and Dina, a couple who cohabited, married, divorced and then remarried. After getting married they discovered that marriage really is more than just a ceremony. The chapter reads, "Getting married changed the way they thought about each other. And changed the way others treated them. For Matt, at twenty, the change was disorienting: 'Marriage means something particular in our society,' he says, 'but we weren't as committed to one another as marriage actually means in this culture.' They were young, far from settled down, partying with the rest of their crowd who were all still unmarried. After two years of marriage, they decided to divorce, he says, 'to readjust our statutory relationship to mirror our actual relationship. We were out of sync. We weren't married, we were living together'" (p.14). Matt and Dina later go on to describe how their marriage fell apart when they tried to live the rules of a cohabiting couple after they signed that one piece of paper that made them husband and wife.

(This chapter was an incredibly interesting read. I highly suggest it!)

So, what are the benefits of marriage?

"An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier and their non-married counterparts. They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even with factors such as race, income and health status prior to marriage are taken into account... At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health" (p.71). 

So why the negative view of marriage? Why is there so much divorce?

As the chapter explains, the biggest roadblock that marriages run into is the individual couple's expectation of the marriage versus the reality of marriage. Romantic relationships, which are idealized in our culture by movies, music and television are not made up of the components that create a lasting union between husband and wife. "Research confirms that a marriage founded on realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satisfy the deep, human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life's ups and downs" (p.72). 

Quite possibly my favorite insight from this entire chapter is that successful marriages are made in the mundane moments. I love this paragraph, which reads, "According to Dr. Gottman, 'comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically.' Filming and analyzing interactions between hundreds of married couples has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict which marriages will thrive and which are in trouble. A high indicator of success consists of the mundane moments, which, he writes, 'any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor" (p.72). 

If we can get past our desire for a Notebook-like romance and realize that romance grows through mutual respect, love and service, our marriages can be of great worth to our physical health, mental health, and overall well-being throughout the course of our lives. 

"Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique; the disadvantages of alternative family forms are real, profound, and all too common. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities and the world at large" (p.76).