The Crossroads of Divorce

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to God's eternal plan."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I think all of us have been affected by divorce in one way or another, whether it be yourself, your parents, a sibling, or a friend. Divorce has become increasingly more common as a result of the no-fault bill passed in 1969. 

"In 1969, Governor Ronald Reagan of California made what he later admitted was one of the biggest mistakes of his political life. Seeking to eliminate the strife and deception often associated with the legal regime of fault-based divorce, Reagan signed the nation's first no-fault divorce bill. The new law eliminated the need for couples to fabricate spousal wrongdoing in pursuit of a divorce; indeed, one likely reason for Reagan's decision to sign the bill was that his first wife, Jane Wyman, had unfairly accused him of "mental cruelty" to obtain a divorce in 1948. But no-fault divorce also gutted marriage of its legal power to bind husband and wife, allowing one spouse to dissolve a marriage for any reason — or for no reason at all."

-The Evolution of Divorce, W. Bradford Wilcox

(I highly, highly, highly suggest reading this article. I found it very interesting!)

Unfortunately, this seems to be an increasingly popular take on divorce...

So let's talk statistics for a minute:

-Research has shown the first five years of marriage to be at the greatest risk for divorce

-In 75% of divorced couples at least one person regrets divorcing one year after the breakup

-Only about 30% of U.S. couples that divorce try to reconcile before divorcing

-Most couples do not seek out counseling before divorcing

-75% of individuals report being happy or very happy a few years after contemplating divorce and rating lowest on the marital satisfaction scale

(All statistics come from Successful Marriages and Families, Ch. 8, p.82-82)

Well then, statistics show that divorce happens all too often and is usually regretted by at least one of the former spouses.

I do want to take a minute to state that there are certainly circumstances where divorce is needed and is essential. Regarding "just cause" for divorce, President Faust has said, "In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being. At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor 'having fallen out of love.' this is especially so where there are children." (Successful Marriages and Families, Ch. 8, p.80)

What then is the best course of action when a marriage is at the crossroads of divorce?

"If we find ourselves at the crossroads of divorce, the best path usually is to seek divine help to change course and repair the marriage." (Successful Marriages and Families, Ch 8, p.85)

Elder Oaks says it best in this talk on divorce, parts of which are read in the following video.

As I've grown up, I've seen countless examples of marriages that endured and persisted even through the darkest days and darkest hours. Many of those marriages have one thing in common: they don't allow the "d" word in their marriage. A BYU graduate in Marriage and Family Studies explains this so well in her blog post about how she threatened divorce. 

I also highly suggest this General Conference talk by L. Whitney Clayton on marriage.

The Dating Game... Deteriorated

Chapter 1: Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

This week's topic was marriage preparation. There are a lot of interesting things we went over this week, but what stood out to me the most was how dating has essentially deteriorated over the past few decades. Dating is a thing of the past - something we hear our parents talk about. Sure, maybe it seems old-fashioned or out of date, but traditional dating had many benefits.

Jason S. Carroll says, "One of the best ways to understand how this new period of emerging adulthood is influencing preparation for later marriage and family life is to look at the defining characteristics of the current dating and courtship culture. Numerous scholars have noted that the culture of dating that young adults experience today is markedly different from the one experienced by their parents and grandparents. In particular, these family professionals have noted an erosion of traditional courtship patterns and a dating culture that lacks socially defined norms, rituals, and relationship milestones to guide young people toward marriage." (p.4)

There are four reasons for this change in and lack of dating:

1. Pessimism about marriage: Our society has become divorce-ridden. As such, many young adults have seen their parents, aunts/uncles, or someone close to them go through divorce. Instead of preparing for marriage, it seems as though young adults are preparing for divorce. Putting marriage off is a consequence of this. Why get married if you're only going to get divorced?

2. Getting ahead before getting wed: Another prevailing societal trend with dating is that you need to be financially stable before getting married. These financial criteria include being independent of your parents, finished with your education, and have a stable long-term career. Carroll says, "While research confirms that marrying after your teenage years and getting more education are associated with greater marital stability, there is also strong evidence that an attitude of personal independence may weaken some marriages by undermining the need for mutual partnership among couples." (p.5)

3. Hanging out and Hooking up: Instead of the traditional "going out on dates," the culture seems to be "hanging out" which is much more informal. The more hanging out occurs, the more blurred the lines are on where two people may be at in their relationship. A result of this is hooking up, where there is a lack of commitment and no expectations for a future relationship.

4. Acceptance of cohabitation: Carroll says, "Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit before marriage" (p.5). There are disadvantages to cohabiting before marriage, where there has not been any identified disadvantages for following the former way of dating and mating, which does not include cohabitation before marriage. 

In short, the deterioration of dating has an affect on the deterioration on marriage. So maybe our parents really are smarter than we are. Maybe they, and generations before them, knew what they were doing when dating was fun and casual, but also clear in its intentions. Isn't this enough evidence to bring dating back? Or is it too late to reverse the damage?

Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

This week we spent two days focused on divorce, remarriage and blended families. This topic isn't something that has ever affected me, and it's quite honestly something I never really gave much thought to. It was interesting and eye-opening to read the materials, watch some videos and talk about it in class.

My teacher married a woman who was divorced and had two children. He had her come in on Wednesday and we were all able to just talk and ask questions. It was interesting to realize that when a remarriage happens, so many more people than just the immediate family are affected.
When my teacher and his wife were dating, he was still a college student. I was trying to imagine being in her shoes, in his shoes, and also in his roommates shoes. They talked about how their friends would make comments that were completely unsupportive, and I wondered how I would react if one of my best friends began dating a divorcee with children. It really changed my perspective to think that though it may not be what everyone imagines, it could be what's perfect for them.

I think that the most eye opening thing I learned this week was that you can't picture how you want your life to be and plan it that way. We don't know what's in store for us, and sometimes exactly what we don't want to happen could end up being the best thing we never imagined.

These quotes kind of sum up what I learned this week :)