LDSFS and Adoption

"I think the hardest part for me was just giving up control and deciding that I was going to be okay even if I didn't get what I wanted."

I loved reading and studying the chapter in our book about LDS Family Services and Adoption. I've always been really interested in LDSFS and am hoping to get an internship with them next year!

The video above really highlights the blessings that can come from adoption. It focuses on the adoptive family aspect of adoption, but I think it's incredibly important to remember that when a couple adopts, there is a woman who so graciously and selflessly chose to give up her child.

Regarding adoption, LDS church leaders have said, "When a man and woman conceive a child outside of marriage, every effort should be made to encourage them to marry. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, the unmarried parents should be counseled to work with LDS Family Services to place the child for adoption, providing an opportunity for the baby to be sealed to temple-worthy parents. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses both the birth parents and the child in this life and in eternity." (p.163)

Birth Parents

The decision to give up a child is most certainly not an easy one. This video shows just a few of the emotions that a birth mother or birth parent might go through while struggling with and deciding to go forward with adoption. When a birth mother decides to give her child up for adoption, that does not automatically free them from feeling and dealing with hard emotions. Kenneth Matheson, the author of chapter fifteen in Successful Marriages and Families says, "LDSFS has the philosophy that, although the lives of both the birth parents and the child may ultimately be better because of adoption, the birth parents' mixed emotions are natural and need to be expressed and understood rather than dismissed." (p.164) Earlier, Brother Matheson suggests that birth mothers still feel a natural anxiousness about doing the best thing for their child. Worrying about the adoptive family and the life that the child may have is a common part of the process of adoption.

Adoptive Parents

"One study reported that there are about two million couples in the United States waiting to adopt a child." (p.165)

The choice to adopt is one that should be made between the couple and the Lord. Adopting is an incredible blessing to couples who are unable to naturally conceive, or who feel a prompting or desire to add to their family through adoption. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones. Now, love them, take care of them... Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones... Welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them with all of your hearts."

Adding to this, Brother Matheson said, "We are asked by Heavenly Father to be stewards over the children who come to us. In this light and by the power of temple ordinances, adopted children sealed to their parents in the temple are their children as much as if they had conceived them." (p. 165)

I strongly believe that adoption is another means through which our Father in Heaven may want some children to become a part of a family. As couples prayerfully consider adoption for their families, LDSFS can be an incredibly valuable source of support and information.

For additional reading and information on LDSFS, go here.

Fathers

There are many different principles and concepts I could talk about when it comes to fathers, but what struck me most from our chapter, "Honor Thy Father," was about being present in your parenting. Sean E. Brotherson says:

"Parenting requires presence. While a parent does not need to be constantly present to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. The longing of any individual for home, especially the longing of a child, is partly the longing for the presence of family members who furnish security and love. The longing for home, a universal aspect of human history and psychology, is a longing for presence, for parental connection, for companionship in family living. A fundamental principle of fathering that meets this need is to be present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love."

I absolutely love that quote! It sums up one of the most important things fathers can do for their children. I cannot stress enough the importance of being "present in a child's life and consciousness." Think about it! To be present in your child's consciousness! That presence requires a bond created from the very beginning, a bond that is nourished, strengthened, and sustained throughout the entirety of the father-child relationship. It is not enough for a father to be a provider and a presider if his heart isn't in it. His heart, mind, and life need to be present in the home with his wife and children.

Now, I know that not everyone has grown up with this type of father-child relationship. Some have grown up without a father at all. What I hope you determine to do is become this type of father yourself, or encourage your husband to become this kind of father.

I believe there is no greater calling a man receives in life than that of father.

As a final thought, I'll leave you with a video. I could not agree more with Sister Elaine Dalton's message in this video and the original conference talk it was given in.

Parenting

 This week we talked about parenting. More specifically, we focused on disciplining your children.
Here's something I learned:

There are three circumstances in which you shouldn't let the natural consequences do the teaching, and you need to discipline your child:

1. Just too dangerous - If your child is using drugs, doing dangerous things with friends, etc.

2. Consequences are too far off in the future for the kid to be able to learn from it

3. Consequence affects other people - ex. shoplifting
 
If the circumstance falls in one of these three categories, then parents should step in and be a part of the learning and teaching process.

Here's the deal with discipline:

You need less structured discipline. If you waste all of your good punishments on smaller things, you'll be out of ideas when it comes to the big problem that they really really really need to be punished for. 

So, start off with polite requests. Respect goes a long way in the long run, and kids and adolescents will be a lot more compliant with respect in the relationship.

If the problem persists after polite requests, go on to using "I" messages. These are the classic, "I feel...." messages. Describing your feelings, rather than yelling them, or not expressing them at all. When you share feelings, you teach them how their behavior affects other people. 

If that doesn't work, move on to a firm direction. It will be much, much easier for you to defend yourself against their claims of calling your action "unfair" or "stupid" if you can come back by saying that you already tried to make a polite request and told them how you feel.

Parenting is hard, I'm sure. I'm not expert and I can guarantee that I'll fall short many, many times, bu we would all do well to remember these things and build a healthy relationship with our children.

Communication in the Family

Something that really interested me in class this week was talking about family council. I remember growing up my family would try to have family council one night a week and just talk about what everyone had going on. We did our family council rather sporadically, and looking back now, I think it would have been so helpful had we done that on a regular and weekly basis.

We made the connection in class to the general authorities and the fact that they have a meeting every single week. It's imperative that wherever they're serving around the world, that they make it for that weekly meeting.

Some of the characteristics of the general authorities' meeting are, opening prayer, visiting with each other, important business, a treat and visiting, and a closing prayer.

If a family starts off their council with a prayer, the spirit is invited, and hopefully things can be discussed without any contention or disagreement. It's important to make the family council fun, and by visiting and hearing about everyone's weeks, it brings the family closer together. 

When discussing the important business, I think it's important for everything to be laid on the table. Big decisions should be made with the children involved. I don't mean to say that there should be a vote (Cheaper By The Dozen, anyone?), but that the children should know what decisions are in the process of being made, and parents should hear out the children's concerns. 

By ending the family council with a treat, you have time to debrief and visit again as a family. Some of my favorite family dinners or family councils were when we all just sat around the table for hours after we were done eating or discussing. Also, closing the family council with a prayer solidifies what was talked about and keeps the spirit present. 

I love the idea of incorporating family council into my future family life, and it's definitely something that I want to take seriously.

Making a Love Connection

This week's topic was marital intimacy.

It was an interesting few class periods to say the least... hah :)

We read an article called "Making a Love Connection" and these were some quotes I thought were really great from it...

"Teens are street-savvy about the attractions of sex and school-smart about its perils but increasingly uninformed or misinformed about the steps to building healthy relationships, now and in the future."

"Teens aspire to a life of successful work and future marriage but their attitudes are often at odds with the evidence on what it takes to actually achieve these goals."

"It is necessary to correct the widely held notion that having a child as an unwed teen has few, if any, negative consequences on future relationships and marriage, or for children."

A couple long ones but a good ones...

"Boys need as much help as girls in the conduct of their youthful relationships, yet we have barely begun to attend to the unique needs and circumstances of boys. Many lack male role models who are able to teach them how to express their sexual and physical energy constructively. Many are struggling to figure out what it means to be a man. Many are caught up in a “player” culture and have no idea of what it takes to become a good boyfriend, husband or father. Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, puts it this way: “Every male has within him the potential to be a protector and a predator.” It is the socialization and enculturation of boys that, to a great degree, determines which one it will be."

"The challenge is to go beyond the messages about the health risks of sex and begin to address questions and concerns that matter to teens. Teens hear a lot from adults about how to manage first sex. What they don't hear is how to handle first loves. Talking to teens about sex without talking to them about relationships makes little sense. Most teens have sex for the first time because they believe they are in love."

On Friday in class we talked about what we should talk to our kids about at what ages. That's something that I had never thought about before in the context of someday being a mother. Talk about a challenge! There's so much that goes around in school and in social settings, and that's not where I want my children getting their information from.

It's so important that parents explain the proper things to their children in the proper terms, at the proper times. 

After this week I am increasingly more grateful for the Gospel that I have in my life. Without it, motherhood would be a million times harder, and knowing that I have the Gospel to lean on brings a very big sigh of relief.

Faith in His Plan

This week in Family Studies I was incredibly intrigued by what we talked about on Wednesday in class. There's something that struck a chord with me when we were talking about being held responsible for the children that you choose not to have. I've always known that it takes a great deal of prayer between the husband, wife, and God, to know when and if you should have more children, or if your family is complete. What I'd never thought about before was what happens when we use our agency to choose to ignore God's will.

Brother Williams was explaining to us that if we choose not to have more children, whether through preventing pregnancy, abortion or adoption, we will be held accountable for those children. There's a reason that Heavenly Father has planned for certain children to come into our lives. Brother Williams shared a story in class that I won't retell here, but it really got me thinking about how little we know, and how well our Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. It's really remarkable.

That being said, I know that there's no way we'd be held responsible for the children that we've tried so hard to keep as our own. For over a year now I've been following the blog of the Sullengers (click on the name, it's a link!). They lost their daughter Preslee in an accident 14 months ago. We don't know exactly why some children come into our lives and are taken so early, but we know that there is a purpose that they were here. Another couple, the Webster's, had a daughter who they lost also. Their stories are both so heartbreaking, but so inspiring.

What I learned in class this week is that there's a great deal of difference between choosing not to have children, and children being taken from you just too early. When we prayerfully approach our Heavenly Father as a couple, we can know when and how many children to have. The hard part is putting our trust in Him, and knowing that we don't know exactly what's in store.

Faith is the most important part.