The Crossroads of Divorce

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to God's eternal plan."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I think all of us have been affected by divorce in one way or another, whether it be yourself, your parents, a sibling, or a friend. Divorce has become increasingly more common as a result of the no-fault bill passed in 1969. 

"In 1969, Governor Ronald Reagan of California made what he later admitted was one of the biggest mistakes of his political life. Seeking to eliminate the strife and deception often associated with the legal regime of fault-based divorce, Reagan signed the nation's first no-fault divorce bill. The new law eliminated the need for couples to fabricate spousal wrongdoing in pursuit of a divorce; indeed, one likely reason for Reagan's decision to sign the bill was that his first wife, Jane Wyman, had unfairly accused him of "mental cruelty" to obtain a divorce in 1948. But no-fault divorce also gutted marriage of its legal power to bind husband and wife, allowing one spouse to dissolve a marriage for any reason — or for no reason at all."

-The Evolution of Divorce, W. Bradford Wilcox

(I highly, highly, highly suggest reading this article. I found it very interesting!)

Unfortunately, this seems to be an increasingly popular take on divorce...

So let's talk statistics for a minute:

-Research has shown the first five years of marriage to be at the greatest risk for divorce

-In 75% of divorced couples at least one person regrets divorcing one year after the breakup

-Only about 30% of U.S. couples that divorce try to reconcile before divorcing

-Most couples do not seek out counseling before divorcing

-75% of individuals report being happy or very happy a few years after contemplating divorce and rating lowest on the marital satisfaction scale

(All statistics come from Successful Marriages and Families, Ch. 8, p.82-82)

Well then, statistics show that divorce happens all too often and is usually regretted by at least one of the former spouses.

I do want to take a minute to state that there are certainly circumstances where divorce is needed and is essential. Regarding "just cause" for divorce, President Faust has said, "In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being. At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor 'having fallen out of love.' this is especially so where there are children." (Successful Marriages and Families, Ch. 8, p.80)

What then is the best course of action when a marriage is at the crossroads of divorce?

"If we find ourselves at the crossroads of divorce, the best path usually is to seek divine help to change course and repair the marriage." (Successful Marriages and Families, Ch 8, p.85)

Elder Oaks says it best in this talk on divorce, parts of which are read in the following video.

As I've grown up, I've seen countless examples of marriages that endured and persisted even through the darkest days and darkest hours. Many of those marriages have one thing in common: they don't allow the "d" word in their marriage. A BYU graduate in Marriage and Family Studies explains this so well in her blog post about how she threatened divorce. 

I also highly suggest this General Conference talk by L. Whitney Clayton on marriage.

Equal Partership in Marriage

Chapter 4: Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

 It's no secret that this class is religious in nature. While it is based on the LDS church's The Family: A Proclamation to the World and the textbook, Successful Marriage and Families comes out of BYU, the research contained is mainly secular in nature. That said, I strongly believe that what is contained within this textbook applies to every marriage and family, no matter the religious affiliation. 

This week we read a chapter regarding equal partnership within marriage. The Family: A Proclamation to the World, states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." The key word we're going to focus on is equal. 

The past handful of decades have demonstrated how many women felt suppressed, unequal, and inferior to men - even their very own husbands. Hudson and Miller state, "Outgrowths of the women's movement were the abilities of women to attain greater education and to work in a wider range of professions and occupations. As women became better educated, they were less willing to accept subordinated positions in their marital relationships." (p.42)

Today I'd like to argue the case for equality between men and women in a every marriage, no matter the roles that are played by the husband and wife.

What does equality mean? Hudson and Miller explain, "Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be 'like himself'." (p.38) The text goes on to say:

In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: 'The lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.'

So equality does not mean that we have to have the same degrees, the same income, or have attained the same level of knowledge. Equality simply means that marriage is approached in the manner that each spouse feels as though they are equal with one another. The text reads, "In considering the equal partnership envisioned by the proclamation on the family, Elder L. Tom Perry puts it eloquently: 'There is not a president or a vice president in a family.' We have copresidents working 'together eternally for the good of their family.' In other words, 'they are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.'" (p.41)

Within a marriage there are certainly differences in the roles of each spouse. The important thing to understand is that there is "difference without hierarchy" (p.41). Along with this there is "distinctiveness without inequality" (p.41).

Alright, now lets get to the cold hard facts. What are the benefits of equal partnership in marriage?

Research has shown that couples with equal relationships are typically happier, are more effective in their parenting, have better functioning children, are also more positive in their individual well-being, and are more satisfied with their marital quality (p.43). Why is this? Spouses who have more equality within their marriage tend to have more positive interactions within their relationships which has an effect on their marital happiness and happiness within the family. Hudson and Miller add, "In addition, couples that are equal partners are significantly less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence. Moreover, there is evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship." (p.43)

The research on equality is astounding, going so far as showing that spouses who have more equality within their marriage tend to be better parents. The reasoning behind this being that the spouses work as a team to parent. Speaking about relationships with less equality, Hudson and Miller state, "They are less likely to support each other and form a united front when disciplining their children. They are more likely to triangulate their children, which entails bringing one or more children into the parent's struggles and having the children take sides." (p.43)

In summary, equality in marriage comes down to each spouse regarding the other with respect, dignity, and love, and coming together as a team in their marriage and parenting. The research shows that equality within marriage has profound effects on both spouses, their relationship, and the children in the family. 

"As we have seen, the family proclamation's exhortation to equal partnership in marriage does not mean that husband and wife are identical, but it does mean that in a very real and meaningful sense they must stand as equals before each other to find the joy that is their heritage in marriage." (p.44)

Back Again!

Well hello!

I'm back to this blog for a semester-long project for my FAML100, The Family: A Proclamation to the World class. The project is called the Family Proclamation Project, and I've decided to blog every week about principles and insights learned from our readings. I'm so excited to be back to this blog! Last fall I took a Parenting class and I really wish I would have blogged for that class as well. 

I'm hoping this blog will be beneficial to anyone who may read it. This may sound selfish, but I really feel that I'll gain a lot out of blogging this semester! So here we go!

The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold Hard Facts to Consider

This week we had a chapter to read in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper. First of all, I am absolutely loving this textbook and the research it presents in combination with The Proclamation. This particular chapter was by Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins.

This chapter begins by explaining that the research regarding the benefits of marriage continues to present itself and creep up to "Everest-like proportions." Regarding this, the text says, "At some point, the accumulating evidence made data-driven academics stop and scratch their heads and follow the facts to a more sanguine picture of marriage. They had to conclude it was good. A stable marriage corresponded with happiness, health, prosperity and the well-being of offspring and communities" (p.70). The current prevailing state of mind within our nation is that marriage is just a piece of paper, a commitment that makes no difference in the lives of the couple. I can see how you would think that living together wouldn't be much different than a legal document binding two people together in marital bliss. But let's look at an example...

In chapter two of The Case for Marriage by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher (read for my FAML300 class), we read about Matt and Dina, a couple who cohabited, married, divorced and then remarried. After getting married they discovered that marriage really is more than just a ceremony. The chapter reads, "Getting married changed the way they thought about each other. And changed the way others treated them. For Matt, at twenty, the change was disorienting: 'Marriage means something particular in our society,' he says, 'but we weren't as committed to one another as marriage actually means in this culture.' They were young, far from settled down, partying with the rest of their crowd who were all still unmarried. After two years of marriage, they decided to divorce, he says, 'to readjust our statutory relationship to mirror our actual relationship. We were out of sync. We weren't married, we were living together'" (p.14). Matt and Dina later go on to describe how their marriage fell apart when they tried to live the rules of a cohabiting couple after they signed that one piece of paper that made them husband and wife.

(This chapter was an incredibly interesting read. I highly suggest it!)

So, what are the benefits of marriage?

"An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier and their non-married counterparts. They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even with factors such as race, income and health status prior to marriage are taken into account... At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health" (p.71). 

So why the negative view of marriage? Why is there so much divorce?

As the chapter explains, the biggest roadblock that marriages run into is the individual couple's expectation of the marriage versus the reality of marriage. Romantic relationships, which are idealized in our culture by movies, music and television are not made up of the components that create a lasting union between husband and wife. "Research confirms that a marriage founded on realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satisfy the deep, human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life's ups and downs" (p.72). 

Quite possibly my favorite insight from this entire chapter is that successful marriages are made in the mundane moments. I love this paragraph, which reads, "According to Dr. Gottman, 'comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically.' Filming and analyzing interactions between hundreds of married couples has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict which marriages will thrive and which are in trouble. A high indicator of success consists of the mundane moments, which, he writes, 'any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor" (p.72). 

If we can get past our desire for a Notebook-like romance and realize that romance grows through mutual respect, love and service, our marriages can be of great worth to our physical health, mental health, and overall well-being throughout the course of our lives. 

"Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique; the disadvantages of alternative family forms are real, profound, and all too common. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities and the world at large" (p.76).

 

Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

This week we spent two days focused on divorce, remarriage and blended families. This topic isn't something that has ever affected me, and it's quite honestly something I never really gave much thought to. It was interesting and eye-opening to read the materials, watch some videos and talk about it in class.

My teacher married a woman who was divorced and had two children. He had her come in on Wednesday and we were all able to just talk and ask questions. It was interesting to realize that when a remarriage happens, so many more people than just the immediate family are affected.
When my teacher and his wife were dating, he was still a college student. I was trying to imagine being in her shoes, in his shoes, and also in his roommates shoes. They talked about how their friends would make comments that were completely unsupportive, and I wondered how I would react if one of my best friends began dating a divorcee with children. It really changed my perspective to think that though it may not be what everyone imagines, it could be what's perfect for them.

I think that the most eye opening thing I learned this week was that you can't picture how you want your life to be and plan it that way. We don't know what's in store for us, and sometimes exactly what we don't want to happen could end up being the best thing we never imagined.

These quotes kind of sum up what I learned this week :)

Coping Mechanisms

This week we talked about family stress and coping. There are three main ineffective coping skills in dealing with family crisis.

1. Avoidance: When you're dealing with a crisis using avoidance, you acknowledge that a problem exists, but you avoid confronting and dealing with it.
2. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism that people use, in which they don't believe that the problem exists. They're literally in denial.
3. Scapegoating: When someone scapegoats, they place the blame on someone or something else in order to make them feel better

I found in reading and talking about these different coping mechanisms that I tend to use avoidance when dealing with a crisis. Although denial is the most common used technique, its actually very hard for me to be in denial. I'm constantly thinking about the crisis at hand, but I won't confront it and deal with it with other people.

There are some different proper coping tools and techniques. If we take responsibility of our actions and admit our faults, the other people involved in the situation will be likely to follow suit. It takes maturity and creates maturity to take responsibility, but it's empowering. Even if not one else takes responsibility, it decreases stress in the relationship.
Another way to properly cope is called reframing. Reframing means redefining the meaning of something and changing your perspective on a situation. In my experience, when I've stepped in someone else's shoes and look from their perspective, the crisis is almost completely resolved. It takes humility and confidence to be able to look at yourself and the faults others see in you. We all have them, let's all admit it :)
Balancing self concern with your concern for others is also important in coping. I've known a few people who have spent their whole lives serving others, never doing anything for themselves. While that's incredibly self-less and admirable to a degree, you always need to find time for yourself. It's vital to make sure that your needs are being met, otherwise you'll serve yourself to death!
Lastly, affirming your own family's worth is important. In times of crisis we all need to remember that our family is strong, of worth, and has the capacity to get over what the crisis may be.

Family crisis isn't fun, but it's bound to happen and most of the time you don't know when. It's important for all of us to be practicing these coping skills in our current relationships, whether in college, newlyweds, married with children, or eighty years old :)

Marriage, is what brings us together, today!

This week's topic was marriage. On Monday we talked about the proposal, the wedding, and the traditions that go along with both.
Brother Williams asked whether or not the proposal mattered, and what specifically about it mattered. When I really got to thinking about this, for me it came down to the fact that the proposal is a pretty big indicator of the type of relationship the couple has, and will have. A proposal is, by definition, "A plan or suggestion, especially a formal or written one, put forward for consideration or discussion by others." The proposal is a proposed contract that the man is bringing forth to his significant other, for her careful consideration. In Mormon culture, it's very rare that a man proposes to a woman without her knowing it's coming, but the act of the proposal is still incredibly important. It signifies an eternal commitment that both parties are making.
The actual act of the proposal shouldn't be about how much money was spent, how many fireworks there were, or about how many people were present. The proposal is about the commitment being made. That said, the romantic side of me still believes that a man needs to put time and effort into planning something special (which doesn't mean it has to cost hundreds of dollars...). How he does it will say a lot about his level of commitment and care for you, as his future spouse.

Enough with the proposal. You're engaged. Now you're planning your wedding.

It was particularly interesting to talk about what a wedding should mean and what the most important parts are. Brother Williams gave us some history on how the first weddings were conducted. The wedding celebration was actually thrown by the community, not the bride and groom's families. It was important that the community was coming together to show their acceptance of the new family.
It's sad to think that we've gotten so far away from those ideals. Now, the family plans, pays, and entertains the guests. The emphasis of the wedding is placed on the reception, not on the actual ceremony.

Wouldn't it be so refreshing and nice to get back to the way things used to be, and the way things were meant to be? The temple, and the sealing between a man and wife for time and all eternity should be the emphasis of the wedding day, not whether or not the cake was the correct shade of pink.

And here ya go... I couldn't resist :)