The Dating Game... Deteriorated

Chapter 1: Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

This week's topic was marriage preparation. There are a lot of interesting things we went over this week, but what stood out to me the most was how dating has essentially deteriorated over the past few decades. Dating is a thing of the past - something we hear our parents talk about. Sure, maybe it seems old-fashioned or out of date, but traditional dating had many benefits.

Jason S. Carroll says, "One of the best ways to understand how this new period of emerging adulthood is influencing preparation for later marriage and family life is to look at the defining characteristics of the current dating and courtship culture. Numerous scholars have noted that the culture of dating that young adults experience today is markedly different from the one experienced by their parents and grandparents. In particular, these family professionals have noted an erosion of traditional courtship patterns and a dating culture that lacks socially defined norms, rituals, and relationship milestones to guide young people toward marriage." (p.4)

There are four reasons for this change in and lack of dating:

1. Pessimism about marriage: Our society has become divorce-ridden. As such, many young adults have seen their parents, aunts/uncles, or someone close to them go through divorce. Instead of preparing for marriage, it seems as though young adults are preparing for divorce. Putting marriage off is a consequence of this. Why get married if you're only going to get divorced?

2. Getting ahead before getting wed: Another prevailing societal trend with dating is that you need to be financially stable before getting married. These financial criteria include being independent of your parents, finished with your education, and have a stable long-term career. Carroll says, "While research confirms that marrying after your teenage years and getting more education are associated with greater marital stability, there is also strong evidence that an attitude of personal independence may weaken some marriages by undermining the need for mutual partnership among couples." (p.5)

3. Hanging out and Hooking up: Instead of the traditional "going out on dates," the culture seems to be "hanging out" which is much more informal. The more hanging out occurs, the more blurred the lines are on where two people may be at in their relationship. A result of this is hooking up, where there is a lack of commitment and no expectations for a future relationship.

4. Acceptance of cohabitation: Carroll says, "Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit before marriage" (p.5). There are disadvantages to cohabiting before marriage, where there has not been any identified disadvantages for following the former way of dating and mating, which does not include cohabitation before marriage. 

In short, the deterioration of dating has an affect on the deterioration on marriage. So maybe our parents really are smarter than we are. Maybe they, and generations before them, knew what they were doing when dating was fun and casual, but also clear in its intentions. Isn't this enough evidence to bring dating back? Or is it too late to reverse the damage?

Back Again!

Well hello!

I'm back to this blog for a semester-long project for my FAML100, The Family: A Proclamation to the World class. The project is called the Family Proclamation Project, and I've decided to blog every week about principles and insights learned from our readings. I'm so excited to be back to this blog! Last fall I took a Parenting class and I really wish I would have blogged for that class as well. 

I'm hoping this blog will be beneficial to anyone who may read it. This may sound selfish, but I really feel that I'll gain a lot out of blogging this semester! So here we go!

The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold Hard Facts to Consider

This week we had a chapter to read in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper. First of all, I am absolutely loving this textbook and the research it presents in combination with The Proclamation. This particular chapter was by Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins.

This chapter begins by explaining that the research regarding the benefits of marriage continues to present itself and creep up to "Everest-like proportions." Regarding this, the text says, "At some point, the accumulating evidence made data-driven academics stop and scratch their heads and follow the facts to a more sanguine picture of marriage. They had to conclude it was good. A stable marriage corresponded with happiness, health, prosperity and the well-being of offspring and communities" (p.70). The current prevailing state of mind within our nation is that marriage is just a piece of paper, a commitment that makes no difference in the lives of the couple. I can see how you would think that living together wouldn't be much different than a legal document binding two people together in marital bliss. But let's look at an example...

In chapter two of The Case for Marriage by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher (read for my FAML300 class), we read about Matt and Dina, a couple who cohabited, married, divorced and then remarried. After getting married they discovered that marriage really is more than just a ceremony. The chapter reads, "Getting married changed the way they thought about each other. And changed the way others treated them. For Matt, at twenty, the change was disorienting: 'Marriage means something particular in our society,' he says, 'but we weren't as committed to one another as marriage actually means in this culture.' They were young, far from settled down, partying with the rest of their crowd who were all still unmarried. After two years of marriage, they decided to divorce, he says, 'to readjust our statutory relationship to mirror our actual relationship. We were out of sync. We weren't married, we were living together'" (p.14). Matt and Dina later go on to describe how their marriage fell apart when they tried to live the rules of a cohabiting couple after they signed that one piece of paper that made them husband and wife.

(This chapter was an incredibly interesting read. I highly suggest it!)

So, what are the benefits of marriage?

"An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier and their non-married counterparts. They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even with factors such as race, income and health status prior to marriage are taken into account... At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health" (p.71). 

So why the negative view of marriage? Why is there so much divorce?

As the chapter explains, the biggest roadblock that marriages run into is the individual couple's expectation of the marriage versus the reality of marriage. Romantic relationships, which are idealized in our culture by movies, music and television are not made up of the components that create a lasting union between husband and wife. "Research confirms that a marriage founded on realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satisfy the deep, human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life's ups and downs" (p.72). 

Quite possibly my favorite insight from this entire chapter is that successful marriages are made in the mundane moments. I love this paragraph, which reads, "According to Dr. Gottman, 'comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically.' Filming and analyzing interactions between hundreds of married couples has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict which marriages will thrive and which are in trouble. A high indicator of success consists of the mundane moments, which, he writes, 'any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor" (p.72). 

If we can get past our desire for a Notebook-like romance and realize that romance grows through mutual respect, love and service, our marriages can be of great worth to our physical health, mental health, and overall well-being throughout the course of our lives. 

"Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique; the disadvantages of alternative family forms are real, profound, and all too common. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities and the world at large" (p.76).

 

Making a Love Connection

This week's topic was marital intimacy.

It was an interesting few class periods to say the least... hah :)

We read an article called "Making a Love Connection" and these were some quotes I thought were really great from it...

"Teens are street-savvy about the attractions of sex and school-smart about its perils but increasingly uninformed or misinformed about the steps to building healthy relationships, now and in the future."

"Teens aspire to a life of successful work and future marriage but their attitudes are often at odds with the evidence on what it takes to actually achieve these goals."

"It is necessary to correct the widely held notion that having a child as an unwed teen has few, if any, negative consequences on future relationships and marriage, or for children."

A couple long ones but a good ones...

"Boys need as much help as girls in the conduct of their youthful relationships, yet we have barely begun to attend to the unique needs and circumstances of boys. Many lack male role models who are able to teach them how to express their sexual and physical energy constructively. Many are struggling to figure out what it means to be a man. Many are caught up in a “player” culture and have no idea of what it takes to become a good boyfriend, husband or father. Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, puts it this way: “Every male has within him the potential to be a protector and a predator.” It is the socialization and enculturation of boys that, to a great degree, determines which one it will be."

"The challenge is to go beyond the messages about the health risks of sex and begin to address questions and concerns that matter to teens. Teens hear a lot from adults about how to manage first sex. What they don't hear is how to handle first loves. Talking to teens about sex without talking to them about relationships makes little sense. Most teens have sex for the first time because they believe they are in love."

On Friday in class we talked about what we should talk to our kids about at what ages. That's something that I had never thought about before in the context of someday being a mother. Talk about a challenge! There's so much that goes around in school and in social settings, and that's not where I want my children getting their information from.

It's so important that parents explain the proper things to their children in the proper terms, at the proper times. 

After this week I am increasingly more grateful for the Gospel that I have in my life. Without it, motherhood would be a million times harder, and knowing that I have the Gospel to lean on brings a very big sigh of relief.

Diversity and Family Culture

This week in Family Studies we've been talking about diversity within families. One of the greatest ways that families are diverse is social class. It was interesting to think a little bit about my family's socioeconomic status (SES) and how that's affected me in my life.
My family's social class changed drastically when my dad was laid off about four years ago. When you're used to living in the means of one social class and then drop to another one, it's a challenge to change your ways to that of the lower social class. It's created an interesting dynamic and has made for a lot of really interesting learning experiences.
Besides that, my family culture has been shaped by my number of family members, five, and the three daughters my parents have. Not having any brothers has definitely influenced how my family culture has been throughout my life.
A big part of my family culture was influenced by moving so often. Before my sisters were married, we lived as a family in Utah, Washington, Minnesota and Chicago. Living in all of those places gave us many different experiences and shaped our family in different ways. My sisters both got married and then my parents and I lived back in Washington, which created a very different dynamic and culture, just being my parents and I.
On the surface, one would think that any middle class, white, five-member family would be considered as having the same culture. On the contrary, there are many factors that go in to shaping every single family's culture.