Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

This week we spent two days focused on divorce, remarriage and blended families. This topic isn't something that has ever affected me, and it's quite honestly something I never really gave much thought to. It was interesting and eye-opening to read the materials, watch some videos and talk about it in class.

My teacher married a woman who was divorced and had two children. He had her come in on Wednesday and we were all able to just talk and ask questions. It was interesting to realize that when a remarriage happens, so many more people than just the immediate family are affected.
When my teacher and his wife were dating, he was still a college student. I was trying to imagine being in her shoes, in his shoes, and also in his roommates shoes. They talked about how their friends would make comments that were completely unsupportive, and I wondered how I would react if one of my best friends began dating a divorcee with children. It really changed my perspective to think that though it may not be what everyone imagines, it could be what's perfect for them.

I think that the most eye opening thing I learned this week was that you can't picture how you want your life to be and plan it that way. We don't know what's in store for us, and sometimes exactly what we don't want to happen could end up being the best thing we never imagined.

These quotes kind of sum up what I learned this week :)

Parenting

 This week we talked about parenting. More specifically, we focused on disciplining your children.
Here's something I learned:

There are three circumstances in which you shouldn't let the natural consequences do the teaching, and you need to discipline your child:

1. Just too dangerous - If your child is using drugs, doing dangerous things with friends, etc.

2. Consequences are too far off in the future for the kid to be able to learn from it

3. Consequence affects other people - ex. shoplifting
 
If the circumstance falls in one of these three categories, then parents should step in and be a part of the learning and teaching process.

Here's the deal with discipline:

You need less structured discipline. If you waste all of your good punishments on smaller things, you'll be out of ideas when it comes to the big problem that they really really really need to be punished for. 

So, start off with polite requests. Respect goes a long way in the long run, and kids and adolescents will be a lot more compliant with respect in the relationship.

If the problem persists after polite requests, go on to using "I" messages. These are the classic, "I feel...." messages. Describing your feelings, rather than yelling them, or not expressing them at all. When you share feelings, you teach them how their behavior affects other people. 

If that doesn't work, move on to a firm direction. It will be much, much easier for you to defend yourself against their claims of calling your action "unfair" or "stupid" if you can come back by saying that you already tried to make a polite request and told them how you feel.

Parenting is hard, I'm sure. I'm not expert and I can guarantee that I'll fall short many, many times, bu we would all do well to remember these things and build a healthy relationship with our children.

Fatherhood

This week, while researching articles for my Fatherhood paper, I learned a lot of things about my own family and the what I want for my future family. I loved re-reading the talk by Sister Dalton from last general conference, "Love Her Mother."
It's important to me that my future children have a strong and open relationship with their dad. I want them to understand the importance of a father in the home, and realize that he and I work together to make our home.
Another great talk that I read for my Fatherhood paper was by L. Tom Perry, entitled Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling. It can be found here.

Communication in the Family

Something that really interested me in class this week was talking about family council. I remember growing up my family would try to have family council one night a week and just talk about what everyone had going on. We did our family council rather sporadically, and looking back now, I think it would have been so helpful had we done that on a regular and weekly basis.

We made the connection in class to the general authorities and the fact that they have a meeting every single week. It's imperative that wherever they're serving around the world, that they make it for that weekly meeting.

Some of the characteristics of the general authorities' meeting are, opening prayer, visiting with each other, important business, a treat and visiting, and a closing prayer.

If a family starts off their council with a prayer, the spirit is invited, and hopefully things can be discussed without any contention or disagreement. It's important to make the family council fun, and by visiting and hearing about everyone's weeks, it brings the family closer together. 

When discussing the important business, I think it's important for everything to be laid on the table. Big decisions should be made with the children involved. I don't mean to say that there should be a vote (Cheaper By The Dozen, anyone?), but that the children should know what decisions are in the process of being made, and parents should hear out the children's concerns. 

By ending the family council with a treat, you have time to debrief and visit again as a family. Some of my favorite family dinners or family councils were when we all just sat around the table for hours after we were done eating or discussing. Also, closing the family council with a prayer solidifies what was talked about and keeps the spirit present. 

I love the idea of incorporating family council into my future family life, and it's definitely something that I want to take seriously.

Coping Mechanisms

This week we talked about family stress and coping. There are three main ineffective coping skills in dealing with family crisis.

1. Avoidance: When you're dealing with a crisis using avoidance, you acknowledge that a problem exists, but you avoid confronting and dealing with it.
2. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism that people use, in which they don't believe that the problem exists. They're literally in denial.
3. Scapegoating: When someone scapegoats, they place the blame on someone or something else in order to make them feel better

I found in reading and talking about these different coping mechanisms that I tend to use avoidance when dealing with a crisis. Although denial is the most common used technique, its actually very hard for me to be in denial. I'm constantly thinking about the crisis at hand, but I won't confront it and deal with it with other people.

There are some different proper coping tools and techniques. If we take responsibility of our actions and admit our faults, the other people involved in the situation will be likely to follow suit. It takes maturity and creates maturity to take responsibility, but it's empowering. Even if not one else takes responsibility, it decreases stress in the relationship.
Another way to properly cope is called reframing. Reframing means redefining the meaning of something and changing your perspective on a situation. In my experience, when I've stepped in someone else's shoes and look from their perspective, the crisis is almost completely resolved. It takes humility and confidence to be able to look at yourself and the faults others see in you. We all have them, let's all admit it :)
Balancing self concern with your concern for others is also important in coping. I've known a few people who have spent their whole lives serving others, never doing anything for themselves. While that's incredibly self-less and admirable to a degree, you always need to find time for yourself. It's vital to make sure that your needs are being met, otherwise you'll serve yourself to death!
Lastly, affirming your own family's worth is important. In times of crisis we all need to remember that our family is strong, of worth, and has the capacity to get over what the crisis may be.

Family crisis isn't fun, but it's bound to happen and most of the time you don't know when. It's important for all of us to be practicing these coping skills in our current relationships, whether in college, newlyweds, married with children, or eighty years old :)

Making a Love Connection

This week's topic was marital intimacy.

It was an interesting few class periods to say the least... hah :)

We read an article called "Making a Love Connection" and these were some quotes I thought were really great from it...

"Teens are street-savvy about the attractions of sex and school-smart about its perils but increasingly uninformed or misinformed about the steps to building healthy relationships, now and in the future."

"Teens aspire to a life of successful work and future marriage but their attitudes are often at odds with the evidence on what it takes to actually achieve these goals."

"It is necessary to correct the widely held notion that having a child as an unwed teen has few, if any, negative consequences on future relationships and marriage, or for children."

A couple long ones but a good ones...

"Boys need as much help as girls in the conduct of their youthful relationships, yet we have barely begun to attend to the unique needs and circumstances of boys. Many lack male role models who are able to teach them how to express their sexual and physical energy constructively. Many are struggling to figure out what it means to be a man. Many are caught up in a “player” culture and have no idea of what it takes to become a good boyfriend, husband or father. Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, puts it this way: “Every male has within him the potential to be a protector and a predator.” It is the socialization and enculturation of boys that, to a great degree, determines which one it will be."

"The challenge is to go beyond the messages about the health risks of sex and begin to address questions and concerns that matter to teens. Teens hear a lot from adults about how to manage first sex. What they don't hear is how to handle first loves. Talking to teens about sex without talking to them about relationships makes little sense. Most teens have sex for the first time because they believe they are in love."

On Friday in class we talked about what we should talk to our kids about at what ages. That's something that I had never thought about before in the context of someday being a mother. Talk about a challenge! There's so much that goes around in school and in social settings, and that's not where I want my children getting their information from.

It's so important that parents explain the proper things to their children in the proper terms, at the proper times. 

After this week I am increasingly more grateful for the Gospel that I have in my life. Without it, motherhood would be a million times harder, and knowing that I have the Gospel to lean on brings a very big sigh of relief.

Marriage, is what brings us together, today!

This week's topic was marriage. On Monday we talked about the proposal, the wedding, and the traditions that go along with both.
Brother Williams asked whether or not the proposal mattered, and what specifically about it mattered. When I really got to thinking about this, for me it came down to the fact that the proposal is a pretty big indicator of the type of relationship the couple has, and will have. A proposal is, by definition, "A plan or suggestion, especially a formal or written one, put forward for consideration or discussion by others." The proposal is a proposed contract that the man is bringing forth to his significant other, for her careful consideration. In Mormon culture, it's very rare that a man proposes to a woman without her knowing it's coming, but the act of the proposal is still incredibly important. It signifies an eternal commitment that both parties are making.
The actual act of the proposal shouldn't be about how much money was spent, how many fireworks there were, or about how many people were present. The proposal is about the commitment being made. That said, the romantic side of me still believes that a man needs to put time and effort into planning something special (which doesn't mean it has to cost hundreds of dollars...). How he does it will say a lot about his level of commitment and care for you, as his future spouse.

Enough with the proposal. You're engaged. Now you're planning your wedding.

It was particularly interesting to talk about what a wedding should mean and what the most important parts are. Brother Williams gave us some history on how the first weddings were conducted. The wedding celebration was actually thrown by the community, not the bride and groom's families. It was important that the community was coming together to show their acceptance of the new family.
It's sad to think that we've gotten so far away from those ideals. Now, the family plans, pays, and entertains the guests. The emphasis of the wedding is placed on the reception, not on the actual ceremony.

Wouldn't it be so refreshing and nice to get back to the way things used to be, and the way things were meant to be? The temple, and the sealing between a man and wife for time and all eternity should be the emphasis of the wedding day, not whether or not the cake was the correct shade of pink.

And here ya go... I couldn't resist :)