Parenting

 This week we talked about parenting. More specifically, we focused on disciplining your children.
Here's something I learned:

There are three circumstances in which you shouldn't let the natural consequences do the teaching, and you need to discipline your child:

1. Just too dangerous - If your child is using drugs, doing dangerous things with friends, etc.

2. Consequences are too far off in the future for the kid to be able to learn from it

3. Consequence affects other people - ex. shoplifting
 
If the circumstance falls in one of these three categories, then parents should step in and be a part of the learning and teaching process.

Here's the deal with discipline:

You need less structured discipline. If you waste all of your good punishments on smaller things, you'll be out of ideas when it comes to the big problem that they really really really need to be punished for. 

So, start off with polite requests. Respect goes a long way in the long run, and kids and adolescents will be a lot more compliant with respect in the relationship.

If the problem persists after polite requests, go on to using "I" messages. These are the classic, "I feel...." messages. Describing your feelings, rather than yelling them, or not expressing them at all. When you share feelings, you teach them how their behavior affects other people. 

If that doesn't work, move on to a firm direction. It will be much, much easier for you to defend yourself against their claims of calling your action "unfair" or "stupid" if you can come back by saying that you already tried to make a polite request and told them how you feel.

Parenting is hard, I'm sure. I'm not expert and I can guarantee that I'll fall short many, many times, bu we would all do well to remember these things and build a healthy relationship with our children.

Coping Mechanisms

This week we talked about family stress and coping. There are three main ineffective coping skills in dealing with family crisis.

1. Avoidance: When you're dealing with a crisis using avoidance, you acknowledge that a problem exists, but you avoid confronting and dealing with it.
2. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism that people use, in which they don't believe that the problem exists. They're literally in denial.
3. Scapegoating: When someone scapegoats, they place the blame on someone or something else in order to make them feel better

I found in reading and talking about these different coping mechanisms that I tend to use avoidance when dealing with a crisis. Although denial is the most common used technique, its actually very hard for me to be in denial. I'm constantly thinking about the crisis at hand, but I won't confront it and deal with it with other people.

There are some different proper coping tools and techniques. If we take responsibility of our actions and admit our faults, the other people involved in the situation will be likely to follow suit. It takes maturity and creates maturity to take responsibility, but it's empowering. Even if not one else takes responsibility, it decreases stress in the relationship.
Another way to properly cope is called reframing. Reframing means redefining the meaning of something and changing your perspective on a situation. In my experience, when I've stepped in someone else's shoes and look from their perspective, the crisis is almost completely resolved. It takes humility and confidence to be able to look at yourself and the faults others see in you. We all have them, let's all admit it :)
Balancing self concern with your concern for others is also important in coping. I've known a few people who have spent their whole lives serving others, never doing anything for themselves. While that's incredibly self-less and admirable to a degree, you always need to find time for yourself. It's vital to make sure that your needs are being met, otherwise you'll serve yourself to death!
Lastly, affirming your own family's worth is important. In times of crisis we all need to remember that our family is strong, of worth, and has the capacity to get over what the crisis may be.

Family crisis isn't fun, but it's bound to happen and most of the time you don't know when. It's important for all of us to be practicing these coping skills in our current relationships, whether in college, newlyweds, married with children, or eighty years old :)

Making a Love Connection

This week's topic was marital intimacy.

It was an interesting few class periods to say the least... hah :)

We read an article called "Making a Love Connection" and these were some quotes I thought were really great from it...

"Teens are street-savvy about the attractions of sex and school-smart about its perils but increasingly uninformed or misinformed about the steps to building healthy relationships, now and in the future."

"Teens aspire to a life of successful work and future marriage but their attitudes are often at odds with the evidence on what it takes to actually achieve these goals."

"It is necessary to correct the widely held notion that having a child as an unwed teen has few, if any, negative consequences on future relationships and marriage, or for children."

A couple long ones but a good ones...

"Boys need as much help as girls in the conduct of their youthful relationships, yet we have barely begun to attend to the unique needs and circumstances of boys. Many lack male role models who are able to teach them how to express their sexual and physical energy constructively. Many are struggling to figure out what it means to be a man. Many are caught up in a “player” culture and have no idea of what it takes to become a good boyfriend, husband or father. Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, puts it this way: “Every male has within him the potential to be a protector and a predator.” It is the socialization and enculturation of boys that, to a great degree, determines which one it will be."

"The challenge is to go beyond the messages about the health risks of sex and begin to address questions and concerns that matter to teens. Teens hear a lot from adults about how to manage first sex. What they don't hear is how to handle first loves. Talking to teens about sex without talking to them about relationships makes little sense. Most teens have sex for the first time because they believe they are in love."

On Friday in class we talked about what we should talk to our kids about at what ages. That's something that I had never thought about before in the context of someday being a mother. Talk about a challenge! There's so much that goes around in school and in social settings, and that's not where I want my children getting their information from.

It's so important that parents explain the proper things to their children in the proper terms, at the proper times. 

After this week I am increasingly more grateful for the Gospel that I have in my life. Without it, motherhood would be a million times harder, and knowing that I have the Gospel to lean on brings a very big sigh of relief.

Faith in His Plan

This week in Family Studies I was incredibly intrigued by what we talked about on Wednesday in class. There's something that struck a chord with me when we were talking about being held responsible for the children that you choose not to have. I've always known that it takes a great deal of prayer between the husband, wife, and God, to know when and if you should have more children, or if your family is complete. What I'd never thought about before was what happens when we use our agency to choose to ignore God's will.

Brother Williams was explaining to us that if we choose not to have more children, whether through preventing pregnancy, abortion or adoption, we will be held accountable for those children. There's a reason that Heavenly Father has planned for certain children to come into our lives. Brother Williams shared a story in class that I won't retell here, but it really got me thinking about how little we know, and how well our Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. It's really remarkable.

That being said, I know that there's no way we'd be held responsible for the children that we've tried so hard to keep as our own. For over a year now I've been following the blog of the Sullengers (click on the name, it's a link!). They lost their daughter Preslee in an accident 14 months ago. We don't know exactly why some children come into our lives and are taken so early, but we know that there is a purpose that they were here. Another couple, the Webster's, had a daughter who they lost also. Their stories are both so heartbreaking, but so inspiring.

What I learned in class this week is that there's a great deal of difference between choosing not to have children, and children being taken from you just too early. When we prayerfully approach our Heavenly Father as a couple, we can know when and how many children to have. The hard part is putting our trust in Him, and knowing that we don't know exactly what's in store.

Faith is the most important part.