Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

This week we spent two days focused on divorce, remarriage and blended families. This topic isn't something that has ever affected me, and it's quite honestly something I never really gave much thought to. It was interesting and eye-opening to read the materials, watch some videos and talk about it in class.

My teacher married a woman who was divorced and had two children. He had her come in on Wednesday and we were all able to just talk and ask questions. It was interesting to realize that when a remarriage happens, so many more people than just the immediate family are affected.
When my teacher and his wife were dating, he was still a college student. I was trying to imagine being in her shoes, in his shoes, and also in his roommates shoes. They talked about how their friends would make comments that were completely unsupportive, and I wondered how I would react if one of my best friends began dating a divorcee with children. It really changed my perspective to think that though it may not be what everyone imagines, it could be what's perfect for them.

I think that the most eye opening thing I learned this week was that you can't picture how you want your life to be and plan it that way. We don't know what's in store for us, and sometimes exactly what we don't want to happen could end up being the best thing we never imagined.

These quotes kind of sum up what I learned this week :)

Parenting

 This week we talked about parenting. More specifically, we focused on disciplining your children.
Here's something I learned:

There are three circumstances in which you shouldn't let the natural consequences do the teaching, and you need to discipline your child:

1. Just too dangerous - If your child is using drugs, doing dangerous things with friends, etc.

2. Consequences are too far off in the future for the kid to be able to learn from it

3. Consequence affects other people - ex. shoplifting
 
If the circumstance falls in one of these three categories, then parents should step in and be a part of the learning and teaching process.

Here's the deal with discipline:

You need less structured discipline. If you waste all of your good punishments on smaller things, you'll be out of ideas when it comes to the big problem that they really really really need to be punished for. 

So, start off with polite requests. Respect goes a long way in the long run, and kids and adolescents will be a lot more compliant with respect in the relationship.

If the problem persists after polite requests, go on to using "I" messages. These are the classic, "I feel...." messages. Describing your feelings, rather than yelling them, or not expressing them at all. When you share feelings, you teach them how their behavior affects other people. 

If that doesn't work, move on to a firm direction. It will be much, much easier for you to defend yourself against their claims of calling your action "unfair" or "stupid" if you can come back by saying that you already tried to make a polite request and told them how you feel.

Parenting is hard, I'm sure. I'm not expert and I can guarantee that I'll fall short many, many times, bu we would all do well to remember these things and build a healthy relationship with our children.

Fatherhood

This week, while researching articles for my Fatherhood paper, I learned a lot of things about my own family and the what I want for my future family. I loved re-reading the talk by Sister Dalton from last general conference, "Love Her Mother."
It's important to me that my future children have a strong and open relationship with their dad. I want them to understand the importance of a father in the home, and realize that he and I work together to make our home.
Another great talk that I read for my Fatherhood paper was by L. Tom Perry, entitled Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling. It can be found here.

Communication in the Family

Something that really interested me in class this week was talking about family council. I remember growing up my family would try to have family council one night a week and just talk about what everyone had going on. We did our family council rather sporadically, and looking back now, I think it would have been so helpful had we done that on a regular and weekly basis.

We made the connection in class to the general authorities and the fact that they have a meeting every single week. It's imperative that wherever they're serving around the world, that they make it for that weekly meeting.

Some of the characteristics of the general authorities' meeting are, opening prayer, visiting with each other, important business, a treat and visiting, and a closing prayer.

If a family starts off their council with a prayer, the spirit is invited, and hopefully things can be discussed without any contention or disagreement. It's important to make the family council fun, and by visiting and hearing about everyone's weeks, it brings the family closer together. 

When discussing the important business, I think it's important for everything to be laid on the table. Big decisions should be made with the children involved. I don't mean to say that there should be a vote (Cheaper By The Dozen, anyone?), but that the children should know what decisions are in the process of being made, and parents should hear out the children's concerns. 

By ending the family council with a treat, you have time to debrief and visit again as a family. Some of my favorite family dinners or family councils were when we all just sat around the table for hours after we were done eating or discussing. Also, closing the family council with a prayer solidifies what was talked about and keeps the spirit present. 

I love the idea of incorporating family council into my future family life, and it's definitely something that I want to take seriously.

Coping Mechanisms

This week we talked about family stress and coping. There are three main ineffective coping skills in dealing with family crisis.

1. Avoidance: When you're dealing with a crisis using avoidance, you acknowledge that a problem exists, but you avoid confronting and dealing with it.
2. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism that people use, in which they don't believe that the problem exists. They're literally in denial.
3. Scapegoating: When someone scapegoats, they place the blame on someone or something else in order to make them feel better

I found in reading and talking about these different coping mechanisms that I tend to use avoidance when dealing with a crisis. Although denial is the most common used technique, its actually very hard for me to be in denial. I'm constantly thinking about the crisis at hand, but I won't confront it and deal with it with other people.

There are some different proper coping tools and techniques. If we take responsibility of our actions and admit our faults, the other people involved in the situation will be likely to follow suit. It takes maturity and creates maturity to take responsibility, but it's empowering. Even if not one else takes responsibility, it decreases stress in the relationship.
Another way to properly cope is called reframing. Reframing means redefining the meaning of something and changing your perspective on a situation. In my experience, when I've stepped in someone else's shoes and look from their perspective, the crisis is almost completely resolved. It takes humility and confidence to be able to look at yourself and the faults others see in you. We all have them, let's all admit it :)
Balancing self concern with your concern for others is also important in coping. I've known a few people who have spent their whole lives serving others, never doing anything for themselves. While that's incredibly self-less and admirable to a degree, you always need to find time for yourself. It's vital to make sure that your needs are being met, otherwise you'll serve yourself to death!
Lastly, affirming your own family's worth is important. In times of crisis we all need to remember that our family is strong, of worth, and has the capacity to get over what the crisis may be.

Family crisis isn't fun, but it's bound to happen and most of the time you don't know when. It's important for all of us to be practicing these coping skills in our current relationships, whether in college, newlyweds, married with children, or eighty years old :)

Making a Love Connection

This week's topic was marital intimacy.

It was an interesting few class periods to say the least... hah :)

We read an article called "Making a Love Connection" and these were some quotes I thought were really great from it...

"Teens are street-savvy about the attractions of sex and school-smart about its perils but increasingly uninformed or misinformed about the steps to building healthy relationships, now and in the future."

"Teens aspire to a life of successful work and future marriage but their attitudes are often at odds with the evidence on what it takes to actually achieve these goals."

"It is necessary to correct the widely held notion that having a child as an unwed teen has few, if any, negative consequences on future relationships and marriage, or for children."

A couple long ones but a good ones...

"Boys need as much help as girls in the conduct of their youthful relationships, yet we have barely begun to attend to the unique needs and circumstances of boys. Many lack male role models who are able to teach them how to express their sexual and physical energy constructively. Many are struggling to figure out what it means to be a man. Many are caught up in a “player” culture and have no idea of what it takes to become a good boyfriend, husband or father. Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, puts it this way: “Every male has within him the potential to be a protector and a predator.” It is the socialization and enculturation of boys that, to a great degree, determines which one it will be."

"The challenge is to go beyond the messages about the health risks of sex and begin to address questions and concerns that matter to teens. Teens hear a lot from adults about how to manage first sex. What they don't hear is how to handle first loves. Talking to teens about sex without talking to them about relationships makes little sense. Most teens have sex for the first time because they believe they are in love."

On Friday in class we talked about what we should talk to our kids about at what ages. That's something that I had never thought about before in the context of someday being a mother. Talk about a challenge! There's so much that goes around in school and in social settings, and that's not where I want my children getting their information from.

It's so important that parents explain the proper things to their children in the proper terms, at the proper times. 

After this week I am increasingly more grateful for the Gospel that I have in my life. Without it, motherhood would be a million times harder, and knowing that I have the Gospel to lean on brings a very big sigh of relief.

Marriage, is what brings us together, today!

This week's topic was marriage. On Monday we talked about the proposal, the wedding, and the traditions that go along with both.
Brother Williams asked whether or not the proposal mattered, and what specifically about it mattered. When I really got to thinking about this, for me it came down to the fact that the proposal is a pretty big indicator of the type of relationship the couple has, and will have. A proposal is, by definition, "A plan or suggestion, especially a formal or written one, put forward for consideration or discussion by others." The proposal is a proposed contract that the man is bringing forth to his significant other, for her careful consideration. In Mormon culture, it's very rare that a man proposes to a woman without her knowing it's coming, but the act of the proposal is still incredibly important. It signifies an eternal commitment that both parties are making.
The actual act of the proposal shouldn't be about how much money was spent, how many fireworks there were, or about how many people were present. The proposal is about the commitment being made. That said, the romantic side of me still believes that a man needs to put time and effort into planning something special (which doesn't mean it has to cost hundreds of dollars...). How he does it will say a lot about his level of commitment and care for you, as his future spouse.

Enough with the proposal. You're engaged. Now you're planning your wedding.

It was particularly interesting to talk about what a wedding should mean and what the most important parts are. Brother Williams gave us some history on how the first weddings were conducted. The wedding celebration was actually thrown by the community, not the bride and groom's families. It was important that the community was coming together to show their acceptance of the new family.
It's sad to think that we've gotten so far away from those ideals. Now, the family plans, pays, and entertains the guests. The emphasis of the wedding is placed on the reception, not on the actual ceremony.

Wouldn't it be so refreshing and nice to get back to the way things used to be, and the way things were meant to be? The temple, and the sealing between a man and wife for time and all eternity should be the emphasis of the wedding day, not whether or not the cake was the correct shade of pink.

And here ya go... I couldn't resist :)

The Dating Game

Dating was the topic of this week's lessons, and it was particularly interesting to me (imagine that!).
As a healthy, somewhat attractive, single, and searching young woman, I found some things pretty interesting this week :)

Monday we talked about what creates a spark between two people. First of all, you need to have similarities for an interest to spark, and quite frankly, for the relationship to last. Similarities include likes and/or dislikes, education and future goals, and proximity. When you have similar likes and dislikes, you can spend time together doing things you like, which will help you (hopefully) develop a relationship. When you have similar education, you can support each other with learning styles and in your majors and prospective futures in furthering your education.

We also talked about the correlation between The Proclamation and the Three P's of Dating. In The Proclamation, men have a duty to provide, preside and protect in a marriage. The three p's of dating are planned, paid for, and paired off. It's interesting how these correlate. Provide and paid for correlate for the obvious reason that it has to do with money. Protect and paired off correlate, not just in a physical manner, but also emotionally and by using their priesthood to protect the woman's well-being. The last, preside and planned correlate in the sense that the men should be planning the date while dating, and plan FHE while in the familly.

I also think it's interesting how we incorporated Sister Dalton's devotional talk into our topic on Monday. She gave some great advice about women needing to stop "hanging out" and force the men to ask women on dates. I think that's important and vital, because when you hang out, you're often in a group and unable to get to know and connect with a particular person on a one-on-one basis.

Dating shouldn't be exhausting or hard, but exciting and fun. If only we could whip all these eligible young RM's into shape and plan me some dates this weekend!

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

It was really interesting this week to talk about gender roles, and more specifically, male typical attributes and female typical attributes. We made lists of each, and this was the outcome:

Male Typical:                                                                                  Female Typical:
Logical                                                                                            Overanalytical
Spatial Oriented                                                                              Detail Oriented
                                                                                                        Interpersonal skills
Task Oriented                                                                                 Relationship Oriented

     Women give directions by landmarks, which is a relationship to things around them, while men give directions with signs and distances.

Aggression                                                                                     Ask for help
More gray matter - Better at calculations           More white matter - Connections

Women have five times as much white matter in their brain, which is used more for making connections between things, like relationships. Men have more gray matter, which is used for being logical and for things like making calculations.

Our conversation about this was really interesting and eye-opening. It made me think about my past relationships and even my relationship with my dad. I've noticed that with my dad, my boding typically occurs when we're going on a hike or something of the like. With my mom, bond through cooking, watching a chick-flick, or even just sitting around and talking. 

Something that's important to realize is that men and women share emotion in different ways. Women shouldn't expect men to want to talk it out all the time, but their way of showing they care can be expressed in them doing something nice for you. When it comes to men, actions really do speak louder than words!

Now the real challenge is being able to apply this to our relationships without letting it frustrate us :)

Diversity and Family Culture

This week in Family Studies we've been talking about diversity within families. One of the greatest ways that families are diverse is social class. It was interesting to think a little bit about my family's socioeconomic status (SES) and how that's affected me in my life.
My family's social class changed drastically when my dad was laid off about four years ago. When you're used to living in the means of one social class and then drop to another one, it's a challenge to change your ways to that of the lower social class. It's created an interesting dynamic and has made for a lot of really interesting learning experiences.
Besides that, my family culture has been shaped by my number of family members, five, and the three daughters my parents have. Not having any brothers has definitely influenced how my family culture has been throughout my life.
A big part of my family culture was influenced by moving so often. Before my sisters were married, we lived as a family in Utah, Washington, Minnesota and Chicago. Living in all of those places gave us many different experiences and shaped our family in different ways. My sisters both got married and then my parents and I lived back in Washington, which created a very different dynamic and culture, just being my parents and I.
On the surface, one would think that any middle class, white, five-member family would be considered as having the same culture. On the contrary, there are many factors that go in to shaping every single family's culture.

New Day, New Life

I spent well into the early hours of the morning this morning at the hospital with my pregnant sister. We're fortunate enough to be able to live in the same small town, and I was able to be there for the birth of my brand new nephew very early this morning.

While we were waiting, I was thinking about the idea of the family and the different units within it. My sister and brother in law have a daughter who is two and a half. The process of introducing their new son into the family is going to affect the different subsets within their family. Right now, there are subsets between my sister and her husband, and between both of them and their daughter, Sophie. We were all talking about how it's going to be a rough adjustment for Sophie, and I think that's because of the change that will take place with the subsets. My sister and brother in law have already formed, and will continue to form, their relationships with their son, and their subsets with Sophie will be affected by that.

I'm really interested to watch and see how their family dynamic will change due to the new infant that's been brought into the world!
For now, I have to get back to the hospital to visit with my new nephew :)

Faith in His Plan

This week in Family Studies I was incredibly intrigued by what we talked about on Wednesday in class. There's something that struck a chord with me when we were talking about being held responsible for the children that you choose not to have. I've always known that it takes a great deal of prayer between the husband, wife, and God, to know when and if you should have more children, or if your family is complete. What I'd never thought about before was what happens when we use our agency to choose to ignore God's will.

Brother Williams was explaining to us that if we choose not to have more children, whether through preventing pregnancy, abortion or adoption, we will be held accountable for those children. There's a reason that Heavenly Father has planned for certain children to come into our lives. Brother Williams shared a story in class that I won't retell here, but it really got me thinking about how little we know, and how well our Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. It's really remarkable.

That being said, I know that there's no way we'd be held responsible for the children that we've tried so hard to keep as our own. For over a year now I've been following the blog of the Sullengers (click on the name, it's a link!). They lost their daughter Preslee in an accident 14 months ago. We don't know exactly why some children come into our lives and are taken so early, but we know that there is a purpose that they were here. Another couple, the Webster's, had a daughter who they lost also. Their stories are both so heartbreaking, but so inspiring.

What I learned in class this week is that there's a great deal of difference between choosing not to have children, and children being taken from you just too early. When we prayerfully approach our Heavenly Father as a couple, we can know when and how many children to have. The hard part is putting our trust in Him, and knowing that we don't know exactly what's in store.

Faith is the most important part.

Family Studies 160

Welcome to my blog!

The purpose of this is for my Family Studies class at Brigham Young University-Idaho.

I'm currently a third semester sophomore, and my major is Marriage and Family Studies with a Clinical Emphasis. My plan is to head on to graduate school for Marriage and Family Therapy.

I'll be blogging at least once a week for this class about what I learn and find interesting. 

I'm hoping to learn a lot and gain valuable insights from this class that will only make me even more excited for the path that I've chosen to go down with my major.

Enjoy!